im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
