Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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