Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
