Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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