My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
