I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
