My cat gives me a boner
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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