The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
we made out on top of his cat.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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