I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
two words: eviction party
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Randomize
