I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
