the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
50% drunk capacity currently
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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