Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
