How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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