Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I think my vagina is haunted
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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