last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
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