I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
