i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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