i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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