You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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