he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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