I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
