just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
