I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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