Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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