bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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