I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
