Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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