I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
