Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
no, he came in my armpit
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
