I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
