I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
