the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
