so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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