I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
i've created a new STD.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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