What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
