genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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