Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
