Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
