dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
