i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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