found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
