I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
