I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Randomize
