my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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