Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
