So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
