Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
