you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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