So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
