i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
