i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
