i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
