I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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