Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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