Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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