i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
