Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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