I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
